Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
