that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
