Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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