just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
