you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
