you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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