If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
