Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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