so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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