guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
