Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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