I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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