Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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