It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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