tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
