Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
