who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
