Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
