I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
