Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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