i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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