the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
