let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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