this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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