I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
