I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
