and you said cock pushups were impossible
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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