When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
