my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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