Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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