Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
