My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
