I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
