I can text with my tongue
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He better not be in your backpack
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Terrible idea I love it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
