He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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