Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
