I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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