this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
