hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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