dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Found your dick twin last night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
