remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
