So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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