the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
