Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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