there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
