$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
