I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
