Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
