I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
