apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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