I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
